


Tainted

by sartiebodyshots



Category: Falling Skies
Genre: Gen, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-28
Updated: 2015-03-28
Packaged: 2018-03-20 00:26:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3629823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sartiebodyshots/pseuds/sartiebodyshots
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ben asks Tom a haunting question.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tainted

            Dad welcomes Ben back to Charleston as if he hasn’t changed.  As if he’s still his little boy.  Ben wishes he could be, honestly.  But so much has changed that Ben feels guilty. 

            Ben finds himself on Dad’s couch one evening, half asleep and leaning on dad’s shoulder.  Dad wraps an arm around him, and except for the fact that there’s no tv in the background, it feels like how things used to be.  Except for Ben.

            “Dad.  How do you still love me?” Ben murmurs. 

            “What?” Dad asks, looking down at him. 

            Even half asleep, he hadn’t actually meant to say that aloud. 

            “Never mind,” Ben says, pressing his face against Dad’s shoulder. 

            Dad squeezes him a little, but stays silent, much to Ben’s relief.

* * *

 

            It bounces around in Tom’s head.  His boy gently stirring against his side and then asking him how he can love him.  How could Ben even ask that?  The closest thing to okay about it is that at least Ben knows that he does love him.

            Tom knocks on Ben’s door a few nights later, needing to clear it up.  He needs to make sure that Ben knows that he’s good. 

            “Hey, Dad,” Ben says when he opens the door.  “Is everything alright?”

            “Can I come in?” Tom asks. 

            “Uh, yeah, sure,” Ben says.  “What’s up?”

            Tom sits on his bed and gestures Ben over.  Ben sits next to him, fiddling nervously. 

            “I’ve been thinking about what you said a few nights ago.  When you asked how I could still love you,” Tom says, examining him.  “What did you mean?”

            Ben instantly stills and looks away.  “It’s nothing, Dad.”

            “Come on, Ben,” Tom says.  “You can’t expect me to forget that.  I’m worried about you.”

            Ben shrugs.  “I’m not the same kid that I was.  I’m not…” He presses his lips together.

            “Not what?”

            “I’m tainted,” Ben says simply. 

            “What are you talking about?  The spikes don’t make you tainted,” Dad says.  “You’re still you.”

            “It’s not just that,” Ben’s voice is cracking and Tom rests a hand on his shoulder to steady him.  “When they take me over, control me, they leave something behind.”

            Tom frowns.  “What do you mean?”

            “It’s like.  An echo.  An imprint,” Ben says.  He scoots away and looks up at Tom, as if he’s afraid of his reaction.  “Of _them_.  On me.”

            How could Tom not have seen this?  His son looks afraid and broken, and somehow Tom has missed this. 

            “You’re not the bad things that have been done to you, Ben,” Tom says, his voice catching.  “Just because you feel like they’re still inside you, it doesn’t mean you’re tainted.”

            “Yes it does, Dad!” Ben hisses.  “They’re the enemy and they’re in my head and I hate it and I hate them and I-“ He cuts himself off and starts shaking his head. 

            Tom scoots towards Ben, reaching forward to pull Ben to his chest. 

            “You might feel like it, I get it, but Ben, you’re not tainted.  You’ve just been through some insanely hard stuff, and it’s okay to feel different now.  I’d be worried if you didn’t, honestly,” Tom murmurs.  “It doesn’t mean you’re tainted.”

            “You don’t know what it’s like,” Ben says.

            Tom swallows, breathing hard.  He hates thinking about his childhood and he’s never discussed it with any of his children.  The shame, the doubt.  And it never felt right to burden them with this.  But it feels too relevant to ignore and he has to help Ben.

            “I didn’t have a great childhood,” Tom says, staring into the mid-distance.  “My dad wasn’t a good man, and I used to think that it was my fault.  I used to think there was something in me that made him act like that.  That made him hurt me.”

            “Dad…” Ben is shifting beside him, but Tom can’t stand to look at him right now.

            “And then, when I was older, after I met your mom and we had started talking about starting a family, I was worried that he had tainted me somehow.  That I would act the same way towards you and your brothers,” Tom says. 

            “You’d never do that, Dad!” Ben pipes in.  He sits up.  “No matter what.  You’d never hurt any of us!”

            Tom looks down into Ben’s concerned face and smiles reassuringly.  “Because, even though I thought what had happened had meant that I was dirty, it wasn’t true.  It wasn’t true for me, and it isn’t true for you, either.”

            Ben wipes at his eyes angrily.  “It’s so hard.”

            “I know, Ben,” Tom says.  “But you’re still you.  And I love you and I’m gonna support you, no matter what.”

            “I love you, too,” Ben says.

            Ben reaches forward and hugs Tom close.  Tom holds him back.  He rests his hand on the back of his son’s head. 

            “You’re a good boy, Ben.  You’re a good person,” Tom murmurs into the top of his head. 

            “You too, Dad,” Ben says.  “You’re a good dad.”

            Tom listens as their ragged breathing starts to return to normal.  They’re gonna be okay.  They’re gonna be okay.  If he repeats it enough, it’ll be true.

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
